


Ladies' Night Out

by Seiya234



Series: Saul and Sam Verse [3]
Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Gen, Genderbending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-12
Packaged: 2017-12-19 03:09:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/878726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seiya234/pseuds/Seiya234
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Varying nights out conducted by the women of the Watch and other prominent ladies In Ankh-Morpork. </p><p>Or, everyone gets into shenanigans and Samantha Vimes is the one who has to bail them out.</p><p>Or, we didn't mean for the bar to burn down, honest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All the places are from the Ankh-Morpork Mapp app. It is wonderful

It wasn’t that Sally was proposing another girl’s night out that made Angua pause. She was surprised to find herself warming to the idea.

Hells, she was even able to tolerate Sally more or less now.

No, what was giving her pause was Sally’s brilliant idea that they invite Commander Vimes as well.

“You DO know that Vimes doesn’t drink, yes?" she had asked Sally, who arched an eyebrow in turn.

“Of course Angua."

“Because she is a recovering alcoholic."

Sally snorted. “Angua, I’m not an idiot. But I’ve seen her come to the Bucket with us before, and she always gets a lemonade or tomato juice, so I think she can resist the urge to drink at the bars we’d be going to."

Angua still had that Look on her face[1], so Sally decided to play on the curiosity and nosiness that every Watchman, if not naturally had when joining, obtained by osmosis from other Watchmen.

“Come on. Haven’t you ever wondered what she’s like off duty?"

Damnit, Sally had a point. She could count on one paw the amount of times she had seen Vimes out of uniform. And-damnit dammit DAMNIT- she was curious.

“Okay, I’ll ask," Angua said begrudgingly. “She’s probably going to say no; she does have Little Sam now."

“That means she’s ready for a break!"

-

Vimes said yes. She wasn’t sure who was more surprised, her or Angua.

-

“You should have them all over for dinner before you go out," Saul suggested, after she had finished reading “Where’s My Cow?" to Little Sam. “I have some fun little recipes I’ve been wanting to try."

She looked at him a little blankly and he chuckled.

“Sam, I’ve been out on the town with my friends a hundred times. Trust me, it’ll be fun. Besides, those who are drinking will appreciate having food in their bellies later."

She snorted-yes, she knew that all too well, and went to join Saul on the couch, leaning into him. He started rubbing her neck and she half melted.

“So it will be you and…?"

“Sally, Angua, and Cheery."

There was silence for another minute.

“Saul, what have I gotten myself into?"

_________________________________________________________

Round One: Dinner

Saul had gone all out, and made instead of one big dish, several tiny dishes, for the women to pick and choose from. There were vegetarian plates, rat kebabs, and some little Uberwaldean pastries that made Sally squeal with joy.

They were loading up their plates when Vimes came down.

“Sorry ladies, I was putting Little Sam down and…."

She stopped when she realized everyone save for Saul was staring at her utterly dumbfounded.

Sally knew of course that even Vimes would not go out in uniform for a night out with the girls.

It was still a massive shock, though, to see Commander Vimes in a skirt.

Not only was she out of uniform, Angua thought, her clothes weren’t ratty, like the things she usually wore under her armor. She wore a deep red, long sleeved shirt, the collar line showing….bigods a wee bit of cleavage.[3] Her skirt was a bit old fashioned, actually going to the ground as opposed to the ankles[4]

She had her wedding ring on her finger for once, Cheery noticed, and a delicate ruby pendant on a chain around her neck.[6]

She looked at Saul and noted there was a look in his eye that usually led to other things and….

It would be one of the only times the three of them would see Samantha Vimes blush bright cherry red.  
_____

The place Cheery wanted to go first was off Cockbill Street.

Vimes[7] stopped suddenly in front of them at one point on Cockbill and stared at a house, nondescript, ramshackle, and wearily clean like the others around it.

She was silent for a minute, lost in thought. Sally started to say something, but Angua, who had known Vimes the longest, silenced her with a look before she could say anything.

“My mam raised me here," Vimes finally said. “Eighteen years I was here, until she passed on and I moved out."

She looked for a moment more, and then kept walking, the skirt that Saul’s mum or aunt or the other had once worn sweeping the ground. The others followed, barely daring to breathe.

Who would have thought it mum? she thought to herself. I’m some kind of lady now.[8]

_________________________________________________________

Round Two: Uncle Tom’s Cider House (Cheery’s choice)

“I’m surprised you didn’t want to go to Casanunda’s Hideaway," Sally told Cheery as they sat down with their order.[9] “I know you and Arnie Rocksmasher and Hild Armbiter go there a lot."

Cheery took a long swig of cider before answering. “Well, I can get a Screaming Orgasm [11] wherever else we go tonight, but this is the only place I can get a real good cider."

She took another drink. “Though I’m going to have to ask the bartender to get some on tap. Cider is like beer, just without-" Cheery shuddered, “quaffing."

“How are things going with Hild by the way?" Vimes asked, and it was Sally and Angua’s turn to choke on their drinks.

Angua gave Sally a look that said, “Does she mean what I think she means?"

Sally responded with an eyebrow raise that said “And how did she find out?"[12].

“Really good! Especially after we had that talk about toys and…"

At that point Sally could not restrain herself anymore and went “You are seeing Hild Armbiter and you didn’t come to ME for advice?"

Vimes and Cheery turned to look at her.

Cheery, blushing bright red, spoke up.

“Sally, Hild is with Arnaulf Swordbreaker. They’re having a baby and asked me to be the godsmother. Vimes gave me some baby toys and advice to share with her."

Cheery slammed back her cider, draining it, and then said very primly, “As it happens, I’m not seeing anyone right now, thank you very much."[13]

Sally looked at Vimes who snorted and took a sip of her juice.

“I will have you know Von Humpeding, that I am more than capable of giving other kinds of advice as well. Saul was very definitely not my first and-“

“Look! A pickpocket!"[15]  
_____

Ladies’ night out was briefly interrupted by Vimes hiking up her skirt to almost her waist, and readily chasing down said pickpocket, before flagging down the nearest Watchman, Corporal Limestone, and giving him the unlicensed thief to haul off to the holding cells.[16]

_________________________________________________________

Round Three: Strongfellows (Sally’s choice)

“I thought you said Tawneee invited us to the club where she dances now?" Angua asked Sally as they went into Strongfellows.

“She did but last night she debuted a new dance and the club burnt down."

“It couldn’t have been because of her!"

“There were tassels."

All four women thought about the very sweet natured Tawneee for a second, and then the general male population of Ankh Morpork.

“Okay, I can see that," Angua conceded as they sat down.

“Anyway," Sally went on. “I play the cello here sometimes and the manager said we could have a round on the house. And one of my friends from the Society is singing tonight."

_____

 

When Sally returned from getting their first round [17], the topic had surprisingly turned to family.

“My mam was more upset than my da," Cheery was saying when Sally set her drink down in front of her. She took a drink and went on. “But my Da….he sent me a letter saying he wasn’t very surprised. And some pointers on how to put a higher heel on my boots.”

She smiled, slightly. “And eventually Mam got over it, and now they’re talking about finally coming out here to see me.”

Vimes saw out of the corner of her eye the slight dejected look on Angua’s face and changed the subject.

“So Saul’s dragons blew the roof off their pens. Again.”  
_______

Another round [18] on the table and Sally’s friend came on the stage.

“How did you meet her?” Angua asked as she was setting up.

Sally leaned back in her chair. “Oh at a Ribboner meeting a while ago [19}. Desdemona and I were very good…friends for a time. She moved here about a month ago, and I let her know that Strongfellows always is looking for singers.”

The women quieted as Desdemona [20] came on the stage.

She started to sing.

All the hair raised on Angua’s neck. It was like listening to a dog whistle. She looked and saw winces on everyone else’s face.

“I thought you were her….friend. She never sang for you?” she leaned in and asked Sally.

“Well, we were busy with other things when we were with each other,” Sally said with a shrug.

The two winced at a particularly high note.

“She’s….Sally, your friend can’t sing for shit,” Angua finally said.

“Well we can’t just leave!” Sally snapped.

“Why on Disc not? You had no problem leaving when there was that awful violinist at Biers last week.”

“Maybe I was hoping to renew our friendship?”

Angua raised an eyebrow. “I thought you were seeing the trumpeter in the Watch band, Corporal Parker?”

Sally took another drink of whiskey. “I wouldn’t say that we are seeing each other, so much as having fun together occasionally.”

Angua sighed. “Okay. So we need a way to leave here because…how long is her set?”

Desdemona began butchering another song, and Sally sighed. “Two hours.”

“Two hours? Really? Well, we need to leave before our eardrums explode, but we can’t just leave leave because you want to get laid later.”

“Well if you want to be crude, yes.”

Angua snorted, remembering some of the things Sally had said in the past but decided to let that one pass. They thought for a minute.

“Look! Unlicensed Thief!”

___________________________

It turned out, as Vimes once again burst out running, and onto the street, there was actually another unlicensed thief in the vicinity.

The poor girl was not expecting to have all 5’1’ of Samantha Vimes barrel into her.

Angua looked at Sally. “You owe me.”

Sally nodded as Vimes flagged down a nearby Watchman to take the girl into custody and then began to chew him out for not noticing said pickpocket.

“What are you thinking?”

They paused to acknowledge a good hit of “It’s my godsdamned night off, so how is it that I’m doing your duty better than you are?!”

Angua thought about it for a minute. “The name of your dressmaker.”

“Done.”

______________________

Round Four: Biers (Angua’s choice.)

When they walked into Biers, Vimes noted that she and Sally were wearing feather boas. [22]

“Where did these come from?” Vimes asked.

Sally looked down at hers. “I don’t know. But let’s keep them anyway.”

_______

They were on their second round [23], and everyone except Vimes were all rather drunk at this point.

“Why….why do people always say that this City is a woman?” Cheery asked blearily. “I mean, people say that and then they say things like fickle, or ugly, or strings you along, and none of that seems right.”

“No. The city is like a woman because…” Vimes paused to take a drag from her cigar [25]. “Because she has to take a lot of shit, and is expected to grin and bear it.”

This got them started on a roll.

“This city is like a woman because she’s expected to look her best all the time, and people get…get mad when she doesn’t.”

“Angua, Ankh-Morpork never looks good,” Vimes interjected.

“But people always bring that up though! That proves my point.”

“Ankh-Morpork is like a woman because she…has hidden depths.”

“Sally, everyone has hid…hidden depths,” Angua blearily pointed out.

The conversation was derailed when Cheery belted out “We need another round!”

Vimes was going to point out that this was a very bad idea, considering that Cheery was swaying in her chair, and Angua had stopped looking at Sally with that slight edge of unease she had a hard time shaking.

But then Sally had come back to the table with three bourbons and water for Vimes, and the others drained them before she had a chance to even say anything.

_______

Ten minutes later, everyone but Vimes were dancing on the table.

_______

A minute after that, Cheery had clambered up to the bar and was swinging around some unknown cloth implement.

_______

Two minutes later, Sally and Angua were up there with her.

_______

This is how Vimes ended up with three sleeping women in the back of the troll chair [26], and got stuck paying for the damages accrued in the bar fight that followed after someone tried to touch Sally’s arse. [27]

______________________

Round Five: Breakfast

Sally woke up to the sound of a baby crying.

Since this was a sound she was most definitely not used to waking up to, she roused immediately to consciousness [28]

She was in a bed, and a rather comfy one at that. A quick look at the surroundings-slightly musty, definitely out of date- and a heartbeat count, she realized where she was.

She flopped back. “Oh gooooooooods.”

The door opened and Vimes walked in, back in her familiar Watch uniform, and holding a now placated Little Sam.

“Ready for breakfast?!” she said brightly. [29]

______________________

It was agreed upon at breakfast, that Girl’s Night Out should be done again, perhaps without the bar brawl though.

Saul looked at Samantha, readily agreeing, and smiled.  
_________________________________________________________

[1] the one Sally thought of as “I am determined that no one is going to have any fun."[2]

[2] this should tell you everything you need to know about Sally

[3] and a large amount of scars. Sam had led a very dangerous life and it showed.

[4] Or to the knees like Cheery and Angua’s, or mid-thigh like Sally’s[5]

[5] Of course, Angua thought, when she saw what Sally was wearing. And she had felt rather daring and sexy in her dress. Damn vampires.

[6] In Saul’s mother’s jewelry box there was the equivalent of a small mine’s worth of precious metals and stones. Of course, that wasn’t Sam’s style, so when he was helping her dress for the evening, Saul found the least ostentatious thing he could.

[7] she may have said “We’re going out drinking, for pity’s sake call me Sam," but all three women had a hard time thinking of her as anything else than Vimes.

[8] She was glad she did the stupid thing and saw her Mum when she was in the past.

[9] A House Cider for Cheery and Angua, a Snakebite for Sally, and non-hard cider for Sam.[10]

[10] the look she gave the bartender made him swallow the comment he was about to say and just hand her her apple juice with a shaky smile.

[11] Angua had the privilege of seeing Vimes almost spew her drink across the bar. Oh yes, she wasn’t with them last time was she?

[12] They would later remember that Cheery and Vimes often got lunch together.

[13] Actually, she was with two very wonderful dwarves, but that was no one’s business but hers.[14]

[14] she had gone to Vimes for advice, but on the whole preferred not to talk about it. She still had a dwarven reticence for speaking about one’s private life.

[15] Vimes was married! And had a baby! She wasn’t supposed to have an equally as wild past sex life!

[16] “Better we caught you lad, than the Thieves Guild, considering you don’t have any kind of license." The hapless pickpocket paled and Vimes grinned evilly.

[17] A Screaming Orgasm for Cheery, a tomato juice for Vimes, and a Wake the Dead each for her and Angua.

[18] Three glasses of Bearhuggers, and another tomato juice for Vimes.

[19] Of course, ‘a while ago’ for Sally was more like 20 years back in Uberwald.

[20] Or Desdemona Regine Thérèse Blandine Aurélie de Challoner in the short form. Or Dezzie, as Sally called her. [21]

[21] The author would like to apologize, but she has discovered name generators.

[22] Per the Discworld’s Laws of Narrative Causality, which dictates that all female only outings should have a boa or two, and if possible, something penis shaped.

[23] Neckbolts [24] for Sally and Cheery, another Bearhuggers for Angua, and orange juice for Vimes.

[24] Like screwdrivers, but not.

[25] Smoking laws in Ankh-Morpork would last as long as snowballs in hell.

[26] Detritus had mentioned that one of his cousins had just arrived in town and started working as a troll chair, so Vimes made sure to ask Gravel to meet them at Biers at a certain time.

[27] Though a little part of her was pleased to see that even drunk, the three of them took care of things quite handily.

[28] which was rather impressive considering it was sunny out. Usually when she woke up at day, she had a hard time getting going.

[29] Vimes sure as hell was no morning person either, but damned if she wouldn’t be an eager beaver to Sally.


	2. Chapter 2

 

Somehow, Vimes didn’t think that Ladies’ Night Out was supposed to end with the pub burning down.

"So what happened again?" The question came from Ms. Dearheart, who had come along because some golems she was working with came to put out the fire.

Angua scowled. “SOMEONE thought it would be a good idea to dance with Tawneee on the bar."

Sally shrugged. “What? She’s a good dancer! Besides, Dezzie was up there with me."

Ugh. Sally damn well knew what, Angua thought.

"And then Sally poured rum all over her friend Desdemona and began to…" Cheery blushed. “Lick it off her."

"It’s that new bananananananananana rum!" Sally chipped in. [1]

Vimes lit her cigar, and then Adora’s cigarette. “Unfortunately, after that brilliant move, someone got the equally brilliant idea to make," and here Vimes had to pause because this was the dumbest damn thing she had ever heard of in her life, “flaming drinks."

"They are quite wond-erful!" Sally slurred.

"IF you know how to make them," Angua interjected. The smoke was really starting to bother her nose.

"Yes. You don’t make them by gettng the strongest bottle of scumble in the bar and dropping a lit match inside."

They all were silent for a second, as they watched the building burn.

"I will have to join you next time," Adora said, taking a drag off her cigarette. “You all sound like you know how to have a good time."

Vimes wasn’t sure if Adora was joking or not. All she was sure of is that she would have a hard time living this down with Saul when they got home.

—————————

[1] It should go without saying that at this point, everyone except Vimes was rather lit.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Or, the chapter where I sneak in a Dan Savage reference.

When five women watch a bar burn down together, it creates a bond, a bond which could only be cemented by inviting the fifth woman to another ladies’ night out.

“Sally, there is no way Vimes is going to go out with us again, let alone have someone she barely knows there with us."

“Angua, I’ll have you know that Vimes lit Adora’s cigarette for her. That makes them smoke buddies. [1] Also, give her some credit, she DOES enjoy the company of non-Watchmen from time to time."

“Not very often," Angua almost said but didn’t because Sally did have a point. Still….

“Okay, you’re right there. But still. The first time we all went out we got kicked out for fighting, and the second time the godsdamned bar burnt down."

“Yeah but this time I have the perfect plan-"

“You said that last time Sally."

There was a moment of mutual glaring/fang lengthening/hair growing, and then they both calmed down.

“There is no possible way that this could go wrong. [2] I got us a table at a very nice restaurant, and then we will have drinks at this place that only serves wine; real classy, and zero chance of shenanigans."

 

The Morporkian in Angua rather enjoyed the last two nights out, in spite of-or especially-the way they ended.[3]

However, a nice quiet evening of good food and better drinks sounded equally appealing.

“Okay, I’ll see what everyone says."

—

Vimes was surprisingly on board, and was even able to contact Adora to invite her along.

“How do you know each other?" Sally had to ask.

Vimes lit a cigar. “Dorfl and her set up the Golem Trust together; you can ask him or Carrot about it. And since I know Dorfl and a few other golems beside, our paths have crossed over the years."

She let out a smoke ring. “Still, I’m glad you all had the idea to ask her along. It’ll be nice to get to know her a little better.

“That does not surprise me ma’am," Sally thought but did not say [4], “Considering that you both smoke like chimneys and are, and I never thought it possible, angry all the time."

-  
When Saul heard where the ladies were going [5], he insisted on doing her hair up.

“Hmmm, don’t think we have enough for a bun…" he said as he ran his fingers through her hair.

“You could pull it back and have done with it," Vimes grumped. [6]

“Sam, Le Foie Heureux is the nicest restaurant in the city…"

She harrumphed, but didn’t say anything else, which Saul took as his cue to put up her hair in a Quirmian braid.

“What will Little Sam and you do tonight?" Vimes asked.

“Some of the girls are in town, and they’ve not seen Little Sam since she started walking so I invited them over for dinner and cards."

“You’ll warn them…”

“That our precious daughter is currently an unceasing reservoir of vomit? Yes."[7]

He gave one last pull. “Done!"

She turned around and Saul looked at her for a second, with a certain kind of heat in his eye.

Sam grinned. “The bed is right there and they won’t be here for another 40 minutes."

Saul blushed. “Aren’t you worried you’ll muss your hair?"

Bless that man. Her grin got wicked.

“There are ways around that…."

—-

When Sam and Saul came down to greet them, Sally turned to Angua and waggled her eyebrows.

“Stop," Angua replied once they were busy saying something to Adora. “You’ll embarrass Lord Saul."

Sally stopped. Messing with Lord Saul was akin to kicking a puppy. She’d have to try again some other time. [8]

——

Sam began to have a bad feeling about dinner when they sat down and there was no menu offered.

“Prie fixe?" Sam asked weakly.

Adora took a quick drag off her cigarette [9]. “It means the chef chooses what we all are having; a fixed menu."

Yes, Vimes was definitely having a bad feeling about this.

Course One: Escargot

Were those….yes, those were snails on a plate.

Vimes paled while everyone else dug in.

“We called these wall fruit back in my mine," Cheery was saying. “And it was all of us kids’ jobs to go to the mouth of the mine and gather them up for dinner."

She looked at Vimes. “Are you okay?"

It wasn’t that Vimes was picky; you couldn’t be a picky eater on Cockbill Street. But she was NOT an adventurous eater either. Left to her own devices, she would eat the same three things over and over again. [10]

“Er yes I’m good Cheery." Vimes flagged down the waiter. “More bread please?"

Course Two: Steak Tartare

Sally and Angua predictably loved it. Adora and Cheery were giving it the good college try.

Vimes, however, grew up in a city with meat of an uncertain provenance [11], and while you got used to mystery meat, you made damn sure you cooked it first.

So she traded Angua her raw meat for Angua’s sides and ordered another basket of bread. [12]

While she had been busy in the transfer of foodstuffs, the conversation had turned to Adora and her line of work.

“So are you and the Trust working on anything now?" Cheery asked.

Adora blew out some smoke. “Rhys is still pissed at me [13], so I can’t get out to the part of Uberwald where we think there may be some more golems buried." She speared a green bean onto her fork. “It does NOT help that mine and Weaver 4’s findings show them being most likely in an old collapsed mine."

Adora was most assuredly not the kind of person to slump, let alone slump dejectedly into her chair. Or show anything other than unruffled cool. Still, Vimes could sense that she was upset at the situation.

Luckily, Vetinari had called her[14] in just that morning about a trip he wanted her to make in a few months’ time.

She’d mention it later though: dessert was coming out.

Course Three: Creme Brûlée

As a silent apology for the restaurant, Angua gave Vimes her brûlée. She knew that her boss had a bit of a sweet tooth.

Vimes was just happy there was something that she could eat; even of it was stuck up pudding with a burnt top.

“Dezzie makes better," Sally noted with a slight hint of disdain.

“Oh?" Vimes asked. She was aware that Sally had stopped seeing that one officer who was with her in the Watch Band and Lance-Constable Anders [15] to go steady with the atrocious singer, but, well…if Black Ribboners channeled their urge to drink blood into something else and in fact Desdemona currently was working at the finest Brindesian place in the City…

“If she can cook so well, why on Earth does she keep singing?" Angua said, giving voice to everyone else’s unasked question.

“She thinks she’s that good," Sally confided.

“Really?" Cheery asked incredulously.

“Really. And she thinks people who say otherwise are liars."

There was silence, and then Adora leaned in.

“And why are you with this woman again?"

“Check please!"

——

Before they entered Vino, the wine bar Sally had found for them, Vimes said, “Go on in, I’m going to have a cigar first." She looked at Adora. “Care to join me?"

Adora thankfully got the hint, and stayed out while the other three went in to get a table. [17]

Vimes lit her cigar, and then Adora’s cigarette. They leaned against the wall for a minute.

“I may have a solution to your golem problem," Vimes finally said.

Adora said nothing but arched a brow.

“Saul and Little Sam and I will be taking a trip in a few months, to meet with old friends. [19]" Vimes took a quick drag off her cigar and went on. “I’d be able to put a word in for you there."

Adora grinned, razor sharp. “I would appreciate that Sam."

The grin deflated when Vimes went on to say, “you’re going to have to give me something to work with, to offer though."

“Have you ever seen the paperwork they make you sign? It covers everything. Every. Thing. What else could I offer?"

“First," Vimes started, “it didn’t cover those nice shiny golems you found. Secondly, you’re a smart woman and you’ve got a few months to think about it. "

She flicked her butt into the street. “We can talk more later, they’re waiting for us inside."

——  
There was another reason that Vimes hesitated to go in immediately.

She didn’t realize until they turned onto Easy Street that Vino was her old boozer, the Bunch of Grapes.

You could argue, Vimes thought as she sipped at her water and watched the other four chat over their wine, that she met Carrot for the first time here, that this was the place where her life started to turn around.

And that was true.

But far more than that were the years Vimes spent here drinking the wages she had left over after what she sent to the widows she knew [20].

The years Vimes lived on nothing but anger and, deeper than that and never admitted, despair, and the drinking done to drown all of that out.

She loved her Watch. She loved Saul. And more than anything she loved Little Sam. And without those years in the metaphorical wilderness, who knew if she would be where she was now.

But it was hard to be here knowing that all of that would never change the fact that she spent twenty years more or less drinking herself into a stupor.

Angua, having known Vimes the longest of those at the table, noticed her boss getting that certain look on her face [21], and reeled her in to the conversation quickly.

“How is Little Sam doing?" she asked.

Sally opened her mouth but Cheery laid a hand on Sally’s arm [22], and gave a small shake of her head [23] as Vimes began to talk and a slightly glazed look entered into Adora’s eyes.[24]

———-

They had gotten to drink, in a fit of fancy, “Seven Wines From Seven Places".

That was probably a mistake.

———

Wine Four: “One Hundred Years, Cabernet Sauvignon, Sto Lat."

“Why’d you stay Sally?" Angua asked with a slight slur [25]and Sally froze. She looked quickly at the others but they were engrossed in a conversation about the River Patrol to notice what Angua said. She turned back to Angua and lowered her voice to a tone she knew only the two of them could hear.

“What the HELLS kind of question is that to ask?" Sally said, losing her cool for a rare moment. “Especially here!"

Angua shrugged and gave her a rather wolfish smile. “Why not? You could have gone back to Uberwald at any point and gotten yourself a real plum job. So why stay here?"

Damn werewolves… But Angua was looking at her and this was really good wine and damn she was going to answer.

Sally thought about it for a minute. “I want to see how she does it," she finally said.

Angua’s eyebrow raised. “You’ve been here for two years."

Sally scowled. “I mean… On the surface she’s just this short, awful person. She pisses off a vast majority of the City on a daily basis. She has a terrible temper, and she smokes those awful cigars, and she’s specieist and she yells all the time and yet…"

“And yet?"

Sally drained her glass. “And yet if she told me to jump I’d ask how high, gods damn it all.”

Angua remembered something she heard a dwarf constable say once.

“When your back is against the wall, Miz Vimes is right behind you," [26], she said half to herself.

“Last month she kicked down a door to get to me!" Sally went on, “even though she knows I’m a vampire and I can handle some pissant set of robbers. AND I know she still isn’t crazy for vampires!" Sally leaned her head against the table. “I don’t understand…"

Angua thought about what to say. She knew Vimes, and knew, as much as she could know, of why she was the way she was and why she did what she did. But how to put it in terms that a drunk vampire could understand?

“This….this is Her city," she finally said. “And we are Her Watch. Her family. Hers."

Sally looked at Angua a bit blearily before nodding.

———-

Wine Five: Ogg’s Old Fashioned Mead, Lancre

“Sam," Adora said with a slight slur because five consecutive bottles can wear on even the strongest of constitutions, “you are the most cynical bastard to walk the Disc."

Vimes wasn’t sure what to say to that. Especially because it was true. “Er…"

Adora swung her arm around a suddenly discomfited Vimes. “And the Disc is all the better for it."

————-

Wine Seven: All the Tail, Shiraz, Howondaland

It was four in the morning, and Samantha Vimes was looking at four sleeping women, heads resting against the table, the last bottle of wine drained.

She’d get them to the carriage, of course, but first…

She pulled out the iconograph she had borrowed from Cheery’s lab.

In all fairness, she had been stuck drinking water all evening as Vino didn’t even offer juice. [27]

—————

There were, on Vimes’ desk, three small, framed pictures

One was of Saul and her on their wedding day.

One was a copy of the iconograph they had done at Koom Valley.

And the last and most recent one was of four women sleeping in the back of a cab.

That Sally had her head in Angua’s lap and Angua’s head was on Sally’s shoulder was the little red ball on top. [28]  
_________________________

[1] of course, the way Sally said it made it sound very naughty. Damn vampires.

[2] Proving that even our dear heroines fall prey to narrative causality sometimes.

[3] Don’t let the others fool you; small or large parts of them felt the same.

[4] Because she wasn’t sure if vampires could come back from Vimes related forms of death.

[5] Le Foie Heureux

[6] as much as he loved his wife, when it came for times that socially required her to do SOMETHING to her hair, she reverted to a five year old right in front of him.

[7] Little Sam was an amazingly good baby, to Sam’s constant amazement. She threw up though, frequently and everywhere. Thank gods she was a former drunk and Saul was used to dealing with all sorts of bodily fluids.

[8] Sally, who was the kind of person to play with fire, was engaged in a campaign to either shock Commander Vimes or make her blush. It was going on three years now, and still no success. One of these days…

[9] There was no smoking in the restaurant but word had gotten around about Adora and quite frankly, the staff were too scared to bring it up.

[10] Much to Saul’s despair, especially as those three things consisted of fatty, fried, and salty.

[11] Or, the only certain thing about them that it was cat or dog or donkey or rat or some other hapless critter.

[12] This got Vimes a dirty look from the waiter. He got one that made his blood curdle.

[13] Rhys being the Low King of Dwarves. This got Adora a few more points in Vimes’ book.

[14] and Sir Saul this time; Vetinari remembered what happened when he sent Vimes out to Borogravia and Uberwald.

[15] She knew about the later because she ran into Mary Anders, 18 and as wet behind the ears as you could get, sobbing behind the Dolly Sisters Watch House right after Sally broke things off with her. Vimes ended up taking her to a place with punching bags and sent Mary off with some good advice and feeling slightly better. [16]

[16] And then she had some words with Sally the next day.

"You want to take up with a rookie who doesn’t know better? Fine. But when you go out with someone that young, you have responsibilities….honestly Sally, you’re fifty…something, you should know better."

Sally just stared at Vimes blankly. Her boss looked at her empty face and sighed.

“When you’re going out with someone much younger than you, especially if you’re the first woman they’ve ever had the nerve to walk out with-and you didn’t know that did you?-you have a responsibility to do right by them, be it in advice or experience.

Vimes lit a cigar. “You both are grown women. And I know better than to keep any of my officers from seeing each other. But, this situation does not happen again. You hear?"

Sally gulped. Vimes had her stone face on, the face that brooked zero argument, if you knew what was good for you. “Crystal clear, ma’am."

[17] it was NOT that she didn’t trust Cheery or Angua or Sally [18] but some business was best discussed outside and not, say, in a crowded bar.

[18] She knew that Sally was not an agent of the Low King anymore, but in any case, better safe than sorry

[19] “There is going to be a Diet at Koom Valley in about five months," Vetinari had told them, “to establish a more permanent peace treaty. Commander Vimes, I am sending you to represent Ankh-Morpork."

[20] The little fund that had started in a shoe box under her bed was now so large that AA Pessimal recently had to go open an account for it at the bank.

[21] Her knurd face, for lack of a better or less ridiculous sounding term.

[22] Sally having been about to say “Angua, we saw Little Sam at the Watch House two days ago."

[23] When it came down to it, Cheery had known Vimes for a long time as well.

[24] Adora was, barely, okay with maybe having children of her own one day. When it came to other people’s children, she really could care less.

[25] They were on their fourth bottle of wine and had another three to go and oh gods why did she think a wine bar would be a good idea again?

[26] in some universes Vimes was a Mister. In this one she was a Miz.

[27] She shouldn’t have been surprised though she thought. This place always was fairly piss, no matter what form it was in

[28] this being Ankh-Morpork, the cherry on top was more like than not to be…bits dyed red….best not to ask


End file.
